Blogging hiatus.

This has been a TERRIBLE week for me. I've been down in the dumps from some emotional stress, not working out, not seeing eye to eye with my husband, kids, friends, etc. And the cherry on top is I'm in my 3rd week of my "womanly cycle" which is always hell week for me and food. I sooo hungry! This is always the week for me that no amount of food will satiate my hunger, and I am never full. Which in turn is a disaster! The more I've eatten, the shittier I feel about myself, and say "why do I even bother"? Which I know is a whole load of hoopla!
So today the day is about halfway done, I've buried myself is swiss cake rolls, ice cream, and dum dum suckers, and I think I might call this day a wash. I'm still in my pj's from last night and have no motivation to shower and feel "pretty". Tomorrow, we are back on again. I need to find something bigger within myself to keep this going. No amount of pictures, or surrounding myself with skinny people (which unfortunately for me, would be every  friend I have here) is going to keep me motivated. Wanting to find my inner skinnier me for my husband and it hasn't been enough to keep me going either. So I say it is time to do deeper soul searching! Making jokes about my weight and trying to laugh around it has been allowing me to cut deeper and make larger wounds than I knew I deserved but, it has been a coping mechanism. It frankly has stopped being funny a long time ago!

Tattoos and school

Been having some serious thought about getting a tattoo. Yeah yeah, I was the girl that hated tattoos. Or liked them, just not on me! I mean could I really find a tattoo that I'd be willing to stare at for the rest of my life? I think I want something that represents my kids but I just haven't come across anything that catches my eye. I know what I don't want and that would be anything that is stereotypical. Like the hand or feet prints when they were babys. Or their names in cursive, or the dumb butterfly thing. YUCK! Soooo not me! I'll give it more thought and do some searching.
Now the big question for me would be, do I drive back and forth to Bangor at least twice a week to attempt to finish up this darn degree? I never wanted an associates degree in nursing, I've always been about more education and pushing myself to be more and get the Bachelors. However, this drive can be very tedious and mondane. What do I do with my kids? How much is this going to cost? I dont' want to say it isn't worth it because then I feel like I'm not worth it and I'm giving up. Can I really expect myself to stay here in this place, be a stay at home mom, and keep feeling trapped? I really don't know. What I do know is that I'm a better mom when I'm away from my kids and come back refreshed and ready to see their sweet faces. I also know that my drive to be a better person and be able to be my own support is there in full force. My dad always told me "it's okay to have support but never rely on a man. Be able to take care of yourself." I'm getting older and I want that more than ever. I can't keep sitting here knowing that my greatest contribution is raising our kids or that I've perfected the art of vacuuming. (ha!) What to do, what to do? Can't someone just tell me what to do?

And as usual, here is my "miss me" picture.

REWARD: If you find this woman, please contact me!!!!!!!!

Been missing since 2004.

I've managed to go workout the past two days. I don't think I've over eatten either. BUT, I have enjoyed a bowl of cereal before I've gone to bed (cereal is like my version of crack) but felt incredible guilt after I've eatten it and promised myself that I wouldn't do it ever again. HA! I know better.

This past week I've been feeling like I'm in a hole and not so much like myself. Conclusion: I'm trying to be someone I'm not. Thinking if I colored my hair and cut it short and did this and that I would be different and happier. When in fact I've felt more self conscious and sadder (is that a word?). Time to go back to the blond and long hair.

So the plans for today: my usual daily housework. And later I think I may bust out a pilates DVD and hope I don't get discouraged.

Why couldn't I be one of those girls that LIKES to exercise?

So the day I wrote my first blog I went to the station to exercise. Didn't stay as long as I had initially planned but hey, at least I went right? Here is my big qualm though....I HATE THE STATION! Seriously, I never feel comfortable there or like I am not welcome. (for those that aren't CG when I say "station" I mean my husbands work) It is a pretty uncomfortable feeling. It's not so bad when my husband is there but when he isn't, it just not the best.
All of that to say.....I've only worked out ONCE this week. WTF? Where is my motivation??? Plus to make matters worse, I have picked up soda again after not having a single one in 2wks. Fail! Then I stupidly stopped at the store hungry and grabbed some junk food that I didn't need. Now I've had snacks that I sat and ate in one sitting and I'm trying to make myself feel better because I didn't just sit and eat these mindlessly. I started to eat them mindlessly, started to feel the guilt, then got up and tossed them in the trash! Maybe someday, this won't be such a struggle. Or I will start convincing myself that fruit is what I want instead of chocolate.

To change the subject....

So this is my HOT husband on his motorcycle....YEAH! I'm one lucky girl. Love him to death but feel incredibly sorry for the man. Want to know why? Because this is what he married.

And....

Awesome right? The poor guy married me when I was a whopping 132lbs. Even I thought I was cute then. But now all I feel like is a shell of what he married. I know he deserves better. Why is it that as he gets older, and yes even Derrick has gained weight but, he just starts looking more and more handsome? I suppose I don't think I'm being fair to him by keeping myself like this. I am trying to remember what I was like then. Do you even remember what you were like after several yrs of marriage and two kids later? I know we all change as we get older. But I have started to feel more and more lost about who I am. I was going to college, I had some serious drive to be a nurse. I wanted to be great at being a nurse, love it, swallow myself up in being one, and be married and happy, THEN have kids. I've done things out of order, and it seems I've been all out of consorts since then. And now, we just don't seem to be getting stationed places where I can finish my degree. I'm a sitting duck with about 74 college credits and nowhere to finish them.
I know I was also a whole lot more carefree of a person. I miss that person when I think of her. I have NO CLUE how to bring her back. I'm still carefree but, in a different way I suppose. Maybe the right word is carefree but cynical. lol Yeah that's it!
So when am I going to stop feeling sorry for myself? Ladies and gentlemen....I have no flipping clue! I'm assuming part of the reason I started this blog was to start throwing out there my feelings, embarassing myself by writing about what I've become, and hoping something will click. Cross your fingers cause 5yrs of the same thoughts is hard to snap out of.....

The first of many

So let's start this entry off with some unattractive photos of myself. I'm in some serious denial about how bad I am. But then I'm suddenly awe struck when I see the reality of a photo. And not just a bad photo but, a photo of how I really look. I don't see this when I look in a mirror. So lets add another one shall we?

Yup....and there we are! The epitomy of a side shot. Not cool! Let me throw in a picture of my cute kids just to even out the scales.

So back to me. I have reached a new weight plateau. I'm not sure I'm feeling brave enough to share my number but I am officially at my heaviest I have ever been. Even pregnant with my son, which says something. This blog is to help me keep on track. There are times when I'd much rather write my feelings than speak them. So here we are. I am going to blog about my journey to losing weight and re-gaining my self esteem and control. I wont' always write about my weight. I'm sure I'll talk about my family, and what I've done through the day. I'll also try to be as confident as I am feeling today to post pictures of myself as I go along. This is a very personal time in my life and I have goals that I feel I haven't even come close to achieving. So, here we go! My goals are:
-To lose 25lbs before Christmas
-Start running
-I've wanted to complete a marathon before I'm 30 (I just turned 28).
-To compete in the Disney Half Marathon
-Be smaller than I was when I met my husband
It seems like a load to put on myself but these are the things that I always think about when I think about coming back into myself and enjoying my own body again. In one month I am going to do my very first 5k in Machias, ME. They have their annual Blueberry Festival and I'm going to sign myself up. I have no intentions of running it. But, I will walk it and I will complete it. I am needing some form of self accomplishment and this will be the first big one for me.